My second thought was, ‘DAMN, I'm dead!’

My second thought was, ‘DAMN, I'm dead!’

esophogeal spasm.png

We know Rose Nylund as the incredibly positive, sweet and naive individual who always takes time to do thoughtful things for others. Whether she’s baking, running errands or sharing an (arguably) insightful St. Olaf story, one word we’d never use to describe her is “selfish” or “self-indulgent.” So it comes as a surprise when she has an esophageal spasm (mistaken for a heart attack) and near-death experience, and her new approach to life is not quite so generous. She decides the New Rose Nylund is going to “eat life!” and starts hanging out with a crew that’s a little more wild, throws her responsibilities to the wind and decides it’s time for her to move on and out of the house. She says the following to the Girls about her decision:

I know you don’t understand and I know you don’t approve, but I’m doing what I have to do and I feel good about it.

Has this ever happened to you? There’s just something you need to do and while you know that in the immediate things will be hard that it will benefit you in the long run? And also that others don’t always get it?

I’ve written previously that this past year was a LOT. I had a lot of work to do on my mental health and had to commit to really prioritizing it if I wanted to get myself back, especially in time for the birth of my second baby. The need to focus on my goals and put myself first was crucial.


From my lowest point in October of 2017 through the present day I made my priorities my mental health and my business (which, incidentally, is largely wrapped up in my mental health.) I went (and still go) to 2 Mom Groups per week, even though it’s a 3 hour time commitment and I can think of about a dozen things I could do with that time slot. I have the privilege of access to this mental health treatment and for that, I’m eternally grateful. I’m doing so much better and feeling more like myself than I have in years. Its been amazing and I’m so glad I committed to recovery.


While this absolutely was the right thing to do, it came with a price.

Bumping up my mental health on my priorities list meant that most people and things were bumped down. Starting a business, being pregnant and caring for a toddler left little time and/or energy to devote to friends. There have been so many birthdays, milestones and life events that I’ve missed simply because I knew if I wanted to recover I needed to keep things very simple. I haven’t made many attempts to see people because it all seemed too overwhelming. I miss these people terribly, but I’m hopeful that they understand and will be waiting for me as I begin to emerge on the other side.

Admittedly, 2018 was not my best year as a partner to my husband. He was amazing at going above and beyond to look out for warning signs of relapse, rallying family to get extra support, simplifying his own life so he could be present more often and stepping the f*ck up whenever it was needed, no matter how often.


As I’ve recently taken a look back at how far I’ve come, it feels like a high tide of realization that I’ve essentially been checked out from a lot in my life. With this tide comes some guilt but also hope that now I can start being a better partner, friend and person.

Rose almost loses three of the most important people in her life as a result of putting herself first. After taking the time to explore what she needs and realizing what she wants, Rose shows up at the house in hopes that the Girls will accept her back as the Rose they know and love.

Well, here’s to showing up.

In friendship and cheesecake,


A square peg in a round hole

A square peg in a round hole

TA-DA! list

TA-DA! list